When I was getting ready for bed the other night, I looked down at my ambien bottle and the dose was 5mg. I had to put the bottle directly into the light and look again because I figured there was no way that was right. It was. I had just picked up a new prescription a couple of weeks ago and was pretty sure I still had the old bottle which contained five refills on my nightstand. When I finally found it, I saw that the dose was also 5mg.
I couldn’t believe it.
Not only had I been taking 10mg of ambien since I was 17 years old, but I had made the appointment with my internist specifically telling him that I did not believe I was absorbing all of my medications. He even looked to see if there was a liquid version right in front of me.
So why on earth would he write me a prescription for half the dose my brain had been accustomed to for a decade?
If you have been following my blog and/or my story, you are also familiar with the fact that my drug tolerance is through the roof too. There was just so much wrong here.
I know what many of you are probably thinking. Why didn’t I check the script before I left the office? Or the pharmacy? Or at any point within the past 6 or 7 months that I had been taking the incorrect dose? And I honestly have no good answer for you other than this had become so routine to me that I guess I thought I could let my guard down. I had said to a friend in a text message the night I discovered I had been taking the wrong dose for over half a year that I did not believe my name had ever been associated with 5mg of ambien. It just never occurred to me that someone would write that for me but I definitely am partly to blame for this.
I had many terrible, terrible nights which lead to disastrous emotional days over this time span and I had nothing to attribute it to. I feel dramatically better now, that is for sure!
My initial reaction to this was how I wanted answers. I wanted an explanation for how this doctor- the one I actually trusted, wrote blog posts about, and really thought was someone who was on my team could do something like this. If I can’t trust HIM, who can I trust now to be on top of things?
So I called the next morning like I planned. Waited on hold. And I waited. Waited. Continued to wait for a good 45 minutes. And while I waited I really was thinking a lot. I was thinking about what I hoped to gain by this phone call.
I realized that fighting with doctors is more stressful and is more upsetting to me than it is worth. So if I have a doctor that I need to fight with for the betterment of my health, then I am firing that doctor and getting a new doctor. But if I have a situation like this where I could call, state my peace, he could apologize, give me the correct dose, he would go about his day, and where would that leave me… still distrustful.
I would rather not speak with him. I would rather have as little interaction as humanly possible with anyone from the medical profession.
Someone I am very close to told me about something completely unrelated and that is when you make things into huge deals with people who don’t have any stake in it, only you suffer. They go on about their lives while you sit around feeling angry, thinking about what you are going to say when he/she calls back, how you might respond, etc. It takes up brain space and it is all negative. I am not saying never fight. I am far, far from saying that if you know me at all. I am just saying… pick and choose wisely. You don’t need any extra stress.
Anyway, once I adopted that mentality, I stopped being angry about it. Wrought him off as another undependable person whom I don’t have time for in my life and kept on swimming, kept on swimming ; )