Ok just as a warning, I am writing this post half crying and half laughing. It is the same release as Joni Mitchell said.

I have been through a slew of doctors lately trying to get things in order. Internist and gyno who found reason I may be so nauseous all the time. I went to a sleep doctor who I liked very much but he referred me to a rhuematologist because he said certain things definitely didn’t look right. So I went to the rhuematologist, who seemed like a real human being (whoa two in a row??) and said he could send me for a bunch of tests but more than likely won’t have me do anything differently than I currently do now if anything should come up positive. So obviously… screw another test if it won’t matter.

Had an appointment with a new neurologist who came highly recommended down in South Jersey. Drove over an hour each way in pouring rain to hear exactly what I always heard. She did really listen and gave me all the time in the world. Can’t ask for more especially since my situation is so complicated.

I wanted to keep my appointment with my current neurologist since I needed to ask him for some things I couldn’t ask a new doctor. This was a doctor who I could never communicate with. Ever since I told him a little more about what I have been through with my ulcerative colitis, he has been a lot warmer. He is also very respectful when I shoot down 98percent of things he suggests.

I have a lot to say that I just need to rant. Please know that this is purely out of frustration of dealing with doctors, pain and medications and all the other bs I have over the past 13 years. I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone who does things or looks at things differently than I do. We all have been through different experiences… and it is okay.

First, WTF is with the medications that are out there????? Seriously, the side effects are scary as F! And how do doctors who have chronic illness patients expect us to trust them when we have been failed not once, not twice, but more times than we could count?? I ALWAYS had hope. I ALWAYS looked at doctors as the ones to go to for most things. Ask the doctor questions, no one else. No one knows better. That used to be my mentality. NOW, I am texting Sadie and Jaime asking them what they know about certain things. Not because I am too  lazy to make a phone call or make an appointment but because I know they get it. I know their bodies are similar to mine and understand how mine works. When I say something, they get it without a second sentence. It takes sometimes months for me to get simple things across to doctors which isn’t their fault. They have tons of patients and limited time.

In the interest of not isolating anyone who may be taking a current medication I am “making fun of,” I will be general. I have had steroids offered to me, IV something, anti psychotic medications and bipolar meds (ones that causes intense weight gain, hair loss, acne all over body, diabetes, etc), meds for fibromyalgia which have little evidence of them doing anything for migraines so WHY WOULD I PUT THAT SH*T in my body??? Also more antidepressants than I can even remember. But for some reason, I can’t seem to forget about the 15 times I did trial and error with them and almost killed myself.  I know I have talked about this before so I will spare you intense details but I have had awful, awful, life altering side effects from so many of these medications. I STILL have the suicide notes I wrote to my family when I was on this crap.

To make matters worse, with 99percent of the meds, I was the one who found out why I was feeling the way I was. Not a doctor but me, of course. Seeing as I have to be on top of everything it shouldn’t have surprised me I had to save my own life numerous times.

Sorry for the complaining and whining but I am so damn frustrated right now. I just want to be out of pain. I want to wake up, feel good and go about my day. THAT IS IT.

It would be understandable for me to be nervous about the event tomorrow for reasons such as : PTSD associated with NYC, speaking in front of about 60 people is nerve wracking, etc. But no. That isn’t why I am nervous. I am nervous because I want to do my best and I am scared beyond words that it may be too long of a day (for me, not the average person) and I will be in so much pain that I won’t be able to articulate what I want and need to say correctly. Last patient panel I was on, it was so interesting and I would have loved to stay longer (and come earlier) but as soon as my portion was over I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I was almost in tears from the pain.

I just hate all of it. I hate there are no medications out there that just WORK without the horrendous side effects. I hate how I truly believe that some of my close friends understand what I deal with and what is going on with my body/brain better than anyone else. Only, they obviously have no  power to prescribe me anything or be there in any other way than support.

I am definitely going to sound like a druggie but all I want is to have something I know takes my pain away so every morning when I wake up, I know I will have something that will allow me to function. But that won’t happen.