Just want to write down some thoughts that have been on my mind lately…
After so many years of fighting ulcerative colitis, surgery complications, and a whole host of other things related to my health, it is so hard for me to be outwardly happy. For example, I think posting a status on facebook about how well you’re doing or how amazing your test results came back is sort of jinxing yourself. (Again, that is my own opinion based on my superstitious nature so I am certainly not judging!)
For years, my mentality in life has been to just kind of go about your business. Be glad when things are going in the right direction but “stay even” as my dad always told me. Not too high, not too low was how we had to try to live.
I don’t know if I am capable of truly getting full blown excited down to my very core about something because I fear there will always be a small part of me that thinks something will go wrong. It is hard for me to wrap my head around plans going positively and things not getting sidelined by unexpected events. It isn’t intentional and I don’t want to feel this way. But I do and I do hope I am wrong.
I don’t like this skeptical side of me. Mainly because I never imagined I would be the kind of person who felt and thought these things.
I know (or hope) as I am able to spend more time making plans that I can keep, and doing things that are of my own choosing (as opposed to ER visits, surgeries and hospital admissions), I will start to feel like I am actually in control of my life and my own destiny. Or at least most of it, since I do acknowledge my health can take on a mind of its own sometimes. Knock that it won’t!
You probably think I am a superstitious nut right about now, right? ; ) Well, I am to a large degree because that provided someway for me to feel like I was in control. As though I had a say in the outcome of something; It was contingent on whether or not I knocked or jinxed it prior. I am a realistic person and do know deep down that some of these things are just mind games. But since I gave up on religion after years and years of things going awry, I clung to superstition as the “power greater than me” that we all need so badly.