I wanted to expand on what I wrote the other day about needing my dogs to get me through many months of having terrible adverse reactions to a medication I was prescribed for sleep.

I have an appointment with a doctor at a sleep clinic in a couple weeks. Of course, insurance will only cover 30percent once I meet my deductible which thankfully I haven’t. But regardless, this appointment is just an office visit. I am worried this doctor won’t be able to help me or think I am stubborn for not wanting to try certain medications.

When I was put on the sleep medicine that was disastrous for me from the end of 2011 to April of 2012, it petrified me beyond belief. I think it subconsciously made me so afraid to try any new medication because of how close I came to ending my own life.

It wasn’t just that though. It was actually more scary that no one could help me. With the help of my parents who could only really support me, I had to figure it all out for myself. I was cowering in my doctors office behind my mom. My parents called him multiple times because they were so worried. I was angry and hostile. This was a doctor I had been seeing on and off for six years. He knew I wasn’t like that. He knew I had been through terrible physical situations before but never reacted like a goddamn crazy lunatic.

When I saw the bottle that said “Call your doctor if you experience any type of mood changes, hostility or agitation” I thought I was going to lose my mind. In a good and bad way.

On one hand, the fact that I may have found the answer to my change in mood and behavior made me hopeful but on the other, was I really doing this to myself? Were my actions and behaviors dictated by a medication that I continuously put in my system day after day without realizing? Was I putting my family through hell all because of some artificial medication that everyone promised would help me (and who I trusted)?

How do I approach any new doctor now? After spending so many months the way I was {with no doctor offering this as a possible solution}, how can I deal with my need for medication now? I know I need to bite the bullet and give in to a little more help than I have allowed but… I can’t. I am thankfully not in as vulnerable a position as I have been over the years so why would I want to possibly tamper with that? If I go to the doctor, ingest whatever medication he/she suggests, and it doesn’t go well… I won’t have the upper hand anymore. I know that sounds odd but I need to feel like I am in control of my body and my life. I never ever want to feel like I did in back in 2011/2012. But I also need help in certain areas which terrifies me.

I am a pretty open person in most areas of my life. When it comes to my health, I am not anymore. I have the very strong mentality of “I know better than any doctor.” The times I let go and allowed someone to take more control of my health, I lost so much. I never want to go through that again because I don’t know if I could survive anymore.