For the last few months, I have been doing anything and everything to avoid making a doctors’ appointment, speaking to a doctor, or thinking about a doctor. The last part hasn’t worked out so well since avoiding making the phone calls and appointments has only caused me to feel very unsettled. I have been able to get the medications I needed simply because I have refills on them but as most of you know, refills don’t last forever and it is important to have a doctor managing whatever medications you are taking.
I have mentioned before Here about some of my feelings towards many of the physicians I have encountered. But for months, all I wanted was to be left alone by medical personnel. Luckily, I have been fortunate to have that break.
I feel like I am at a place where I do have a firm grasp on what I want out of life and what I need to do in order to get there. I may not know exactly how to go about doing that, but I do know with every fiber of my being that the answer will come with time and from within me. I look to my parents and good friends for advice and guidance but that is it.
I can’t talk to another doctor about insomnia, anxiety, dietary issues or anything else for that matter. I simply don’t want to hear anymore because I have heard it all and it always ends the same way… with me knowing what is best for me.
Last week, I finally did what I have been avoiding for months. I called my internist and asked him if he felt comfortable prescribing me what I needed. Although I haven’t seen him very often, he knows me well and is someone I trust as I talked about in this post here
I also made an appointment with one of the neurologists that I had seen a number of times… the one whose personality I despise in a doctor actually. It is utterly impossible to get him on the phone and I felt zero connection to him whatsoever. I went in to my first appointment with him making it clear how I needed a doctor who would work with me as a team, communicate with me, etc. And this man is the opposite.
So, why did I make an appointment with him? Because after months of weighing the pros and cons of who I wanted to manage my medications, and who I wanted to reintroduce into my life (this may seem dramatic but when you have been dealing with doctors nonstop for years it is a huge deal!)… I realized that given that I am an experienced patient, I can get exactly what I need from this doctor and would prefer not to have to talk to him that often. He is incredibly smart, his approach is more tailored to combining western and eastern medicine, so the fact that I am not in love with his personality is secondary to me in this case. As I mentioned in this post Some Thoughts About Doctors, every situation is different.
It took me a long time to make these phone calls and appointments. I had to sort through a few other things in my mind before doing so but I feel better having at least made the calls. My internist was perfectly fine with prescribing me what I needed (huge relief!) and I have an appointment with my neurologist early tomorrow morning which will hopefully go well.
I find that just the act of making a decision and working towards getting some things in order that have been plaguing me, can help relieve a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I have trouble making decisions so I think the hemming and hawing of what should I do now? is worse than actually making a decision, doing it and then figuring it out from there.