If you have been following my blog, you will probably be able to gather that I have been going through some things. And even though it probably doesn’t seem like it, I am only sharing bits and pieces of it here since I don’t believe a person’s life needs to be a wide open book… or a laundry list of complaints that will only bore people.
After having no idea how I was going to get through another day, I decided to go upstate Friday where I am lucky enough to have another house by the lake. I threw some clothes in a bag, packed my computer and journals and got in the car ready for a weekend of nothing but relaxation and me time. Before I got on the road, I wanted to exchange a notebook I had bought at Staples which is five minutes from my house. That took me an hour. I also wanted to get gas before my drive. That whole process took me another two full hours. I wish I was joking around with you. Finally, the thought of a two hour road trip after not sleeping and being in hysterics on and off for a few hours was more than I could bare. So I went home.
I had nothing left. I was completely empty. I wanted to go upstate so badly because I wanted to give my parents a break and also felt like the change of scenery would be good for me. But I couldn’t escape the way I was feeling. Not sleeping for so long was truly destroying me. I was exhausted and felt like I was on speed at the same time. My mind was going crazy and I was incapable of shutting it off. There was just no way I could get away last Friday regardless of how much I wanted to.
But Saturday came and I felt clearer headed. I had talked a lot with my mom Friday afternoon about things that were on my mind and then in the morning, my Dad and I had a nice chat. I felt better and was ready to make the trip up to the lake and get my head together, come back either late Sunday or early Monday as a new woman with a fresh perspective.
I had a nice drive up on Saturday afternoon and ended up having a good night alone. I had managed to relax and was exhausted when it came time for bed. But, to my dismay, I still didn’t sleep, still felt like I was on speed from so much anxiety, was so wiped out I can’t even describe it ( and am tired of hearing myself say those words), and am really frustrated that nothing was different.
The whole “You Can Run But You Can’t Hide” quote came into my head because I so badly didn’t want it to be true.
I wanted to believe that I could run away for a night or two but the fact of the matter is that no one can escape from anything that is truly eating away at them. I guess this was a good experiment for me in a way. I either need to live up here permanently and have my life only be filled with television, writing, baked chips and diet pepsi OR I can accept that I have either something (or multiple things) weighing on me and take steps to deal it.
I am obviously choosing the latter, it would just be helpful if someone could let me know what my “issues” were! J