I tend to get bogged down with where I should be in life that I tend to forget what is really best for me sometimes. It is 5am and after another completely sleepless night, I couldn’t help but get up, take out my laptop, search the internet for some options about things that are on my mind (more on this another time) and replay in my head a few conversations I had over the past couple of days.
Before I went to see a new doctor a couple weeks ago, my dad made a comment in passing about how I needed to walk in there and say something along the lines of “This is my life and I need help living within it.” He said this because my dad knows I am not completely honest with certain doctors because I don’t feel they need to know every little thing that goes on in my life. And in truth, 99percent of the time it never matters in terms of treatment, outcome, or literally ANYTHING. It simply saves both me and my physician time, energy and a lot of frustration for me since I know the majority have very little understanding of some lifestyle choices I make that are out of their area of expertise. And most importantly, I have been through this enough to know what is important and what details I can omit.
Following a conversation with a good friend last night, where I truly opened up about everything I was going through, struggling with, and torn about, it made me realize that it was okay to feel like I was. I don’t know why I need my feelings to be validated so much. I mean, I shouldn’t say that. I HATE the fact that I need my feelings to be validated so much. I hate how I am so desperate to play “catch up” in life because of all that I missed that it forces me to lose sight of what I truly want and know in my heart is best for me. It makes me want to burst into tears when I think about how much IBD has changed my personality in every shape and form.
I want to listen to my instincts. I really do. But for some reason right now, I can’t. They are taking me in so many different directions.
“This is my life and I need help living within it” is what I ended up saying at the appointment I went to a couple weeks ago. It never mattered like I knew it wouldn’t but it just made good sense and therefore has stuck with me all this time. And after I got off the phone with my friend yesterday, she made me realize how THIS is my life and I do need help living within it. I can only take on so much, handle so much, and I am going to internalize and process things the way I do because of my past experiences (like everyone else).
That is life.