“This is My Life And I Need Help Living Within It”

I tend to get bogged down with where I should be in life that I tend to forget what is really best for me sometimes. It is 5am and after another completely sleepless night, I couldn’t help but get up, take out my laptop, search the internet for some options about things that are on my mind (more on this another time) and replay in my head a few conversations I had over the past couple of days.

Before I went to see a new doctor a couple weeks ago, my dad made a comment in passing about how I needed to walk in there and say something along the lines of “This is my life and I need help living within it.” He said this because my dad knows I am not completely honest with certain doctors because I don’t feel they need to know every little thing that goes on in my life.  And in truth, 99percent of the time it never matters in terms of treatment, outcome, or literally ANYTHING. It simply saves both me and my physician time, energy and a lot of frustration for me since I know the majority have very little understanding of some lifestyle choices I make that are out of their area of expertise. And most importantly, I have been through this enough to know what is important and what details I can omit.

Following a conversation with a good friend last night, where I truly opened up about everything I was going through, struggling with, and torn about, it made me realize that it was okay to feel like I was. I don’t know why I need my feelings to be validated so much. I mean, I shouldn’t say that. I HATE the fact that I need my feelings to be validated so much. I hate how I am so desperate to play “catch up” in life because of all that I missed that it forces me to lose sight of what I truly want and know in my heart is best for me. It makes me want to burst into tears when I think about how much IBD has changed my personality in every shape and form.

I want to listen to my instincts. I really do. But for some reason right now, I can’t. They are taking me in so many different directions.

“This is my life and I need help living within it” is what I ended up saying at the appointment I went to a couple weeks ago. It never mattered like I knew it wouldn’t but it just made good sense and therefore has stuck with me all this time. And after I got off the phone with my friend yesterday, she made me realize how THIS is my life and I do need help living within it. I can only take on so much, handle so much, and I am going to internalize and process things the way I do because of my past experiences (like everyone else).

That is life.

  • josh

    Marisa, thankyou so much for writing. Eventhough its extermly difficult to write about such personal issues u help me so much. What u said is so true. A lot of what I struggle with chrones I feel the same way. We are always here for each other. Know that your not alone.

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      thank you Josh : ) you are not alone either!

  • val0525

    Marisa,

    This is such a heartfelt and courageous post. You have helped me in so many ways, I cannot beging to list them.

    Only you will know when you need to step back and take a break. ONLY YOU!!

    Someone I trust completely has told me numerous times that there is no timetable for anyone’s journey. You are where you are and that is OK. Easier said than done, I know.

    All feelings are ok, whether one thinks so or not.

    Even things like anger, which I have trouble being OK with, is my feeling and that is what it is.

    You have taken on so much this past year, and I applaud everything you have done.

    Would it help to schedule a “Marisa Day” once a week or whatever time frame works for you?

    Just a thought.

    I am always here if you need anything.
    Love you

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      I am trying to have the mentality of “all feelings are okay.” I think scheduling a Marisa day would be a good idea.. I am going to think about what would work in terms of timing. I appreciate your insights!

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  • http://is.gd/excuseless Omeisha

    Marisa,
    I want to applaud you for your honesty, it takes true courage to really look at yourself in the mirror. If you interested in free life coaching sessions email me at excuseless@gmail.com to set up a time & day that works for you.