How do you know when enough is enough? This has been a question I have been asking myself a lot over the course of my life for a variety of reasons. It is one that doesn’t really have an (easy) answer. It depends on the situation and the people involved. I often like to weigh the pros and cons. I also tend to think things through until what often feels like the end of time. Yes, I overthink.
But today… I just need to talk (or write)..
I have had a lot of things going on in my life these last couple weeks. I haven’t been writing as much because, well, I have been a lot busier (yay!) but also writing is my way of facing what I really am feeling and sometimes it is just too painful.
I have been truly incapable of shutting my brain off which is impacting me in so many ways. There have been nights when I didn’t even fall asleep (and too many others where I was pleased to get three hours). My migraines have been unbearable. And when I am wiped out, I find myself craving different foods which causes my stomach to feel “off.” I have even went against my instincts and attempted to surrender some control to people who I assumed knew more than me and followed through with my doctor’s referral and saw a sleep specialist. I took the advice of medical personnel and altered certain aspects of my medicine regime because I have been trying so desperately to believe in other people besides myself.
AND that leaves me where I am today. Frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed and to be quite frank extremely pissed off. This last part though is where I am a little lost. I am really angry and sure I can call a few doctors and lash out at them but I don’t think that is really going to help me that much. There is also someone in my life who continues to push my buttons and I can call him/her and go off but will that actually make me feel better? Doubtful.
Yesterday things really came to a head and I had a really good appointment with my therapist and then late last night, my parents and I talked more. And I cried and cried. I feel like I have been “going going going” without a second to breathe. I am someone who needs routine, who finds comfort in a plan and feel as though I have lost my way a bit these past few weeks. It felt really nice to let everything out yesterday and even though I have a lot more to sort through and deal with, there was no way I could have sustained myself at the pace I was going. Physically and emotionally I was foolish to think that I could continue on the way I was and I realized yesterday that I need to make my physical and emotional well being TOP PRIORITY if I have any hope at being beneficial to anyone else.
So this weekend I am really going to make every effort to examine the areas of my life that are causing me to feel so stressed out and see what changes I can make. I did realize yesterday that there are so many things in life that we have no choice about and unfortunately I have had to deal with far too many of those situations over the past 13 years following my ulcerative colitis diagnosis. But right now, I need to take comfort in the fact that at least some of the things I am going through I can control.
I have always found the answer to the question of “How do you know when enough is enough?” to really be one that will come out on your own timeframe. It always has for me anyway. I end up reaching a breaking point where I simply can’t continue on with whatever situation I am going through or living in. And that is when I know I need to make some changes.