Over the last month or so I have been getting a number of emails from friends who I have met because of this blog asking how my health had been since they have said I don’t really mention it when I write. I suppose old habits are hard to break since I have always found it easier to focus on everything else but myself. And I guess that has carried over a bit on this blog, even though I do know no one wants to read a day to day account of my life.
But today, you will.
I am going to start about six weeks ago when my grandfather fell. I am not going to sugar coat anything here because I have learned that the more I share HONESTLY the more helpful it is to me and the greater potential there is for it to reach someone else. When something completely out of my control happens, I go into “control mode” as my way of coping.
As the week progressed with my grandfather in the hospital, I found myself needing to resort to the ways I used to find control in my world of chaos. For those of you who know me or have been following my blog, that is exercising. The week my grandfather was in the hospital I made a point to go to the gym everyday regardless of what was going on. I was barely sleeping and I was going to have migraines all week anyway so it didn’t matter if I was in bed, at the hospital, at home or at the gym. The gym became my time away from reality in a way.
This whole situation caused me to feel very unsettled just when I was starting to reach a point when I felt like I could take a few breathes again. It was unnerving. It was scary to put it very mildly. My grandfather did have Parkinson’s disease but it wasn’t as if he passed away after a long battle with cancer so it really was very unexpected. This was just another unpredictable curve ball that really threw me and my entire family. It came at a point when I needed stability the most which was of course just life but it forced me to find comfort in other ways.
So I am now admitting what I have only told one of my friends and that is that since the whole situation with my grandfather happened, I have been in desperate need of control. Being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis forced me to lose control in most areas of my life so just when I felt like I was getting a tiny piece of it back, I honestly felt so incredibly afraid I didn’t know what else to do but go back to the only things I knew had helped me cope in the past: exercising and micro managing the food I put in my body. The exercise provides the “escape” and the managing of the food allows me to feel like I am being extra cautious about making sure I don’t wind up in the ER with a blockage AND the ileostomy is a lot easier to deal with.
In terms of my health, that is what has been going on with me. I am literally not sleeping more than three hours a night and have raging migraines every single day. Definitely a catch- 22.
Re-reading this, to be blunt, disgusts me because it looks like I am a complaining, ridiculous human being and I would X out of this post after reading it and never log onto this blog again. Hence the reason I don’t like sharing what is going on with me ; )
More soon on actual, relatable topics! Stay safe for anyone in the path of the storm!