The more writing I have been doing the more of my journey I have been able to recall. It really makes me realize how every single action I have taken or not taken has been a direct result of something else. I do believe in coincidences but I also am really starting to feel as though behind every so called coincidence, there is a deep seeded reason why my story has unfolded the way it has. I have an inkling as to why I chose to do a “tell all” on the day I did even though there were so many things that played a role leading up to it.
But when I was surfing the internet for something completely unrelated to this post, I came across this picture and it struck a cord with me for several reasons.
In truth, this reminds me of a particular person, a specific situation, and one that was pretty infuriating to say the least. However, as I began to think about what these words mean, I realized that it went back to what we were taught when we were really little.
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
Obviously, as a four or five year old those words mean something completely different than what I am referring to. But it is the same concept. To me, this symbolizes the act of letting someone in. I have realized that the people in my life over the years who I have dabbled with sharing bits of my story with are the ones who have been able to open up a little bit to me about some of the things that were difficult for them to share. It has always amazed me how I have a number of people who have been in my life for a long time that I never felt comfortable sharing anything with; and for no other reason than they never let me in. And yet there would be times when I would meet someone and be able to open up so quickly.
This concept has always frustrated me because I guess I always wished I was able to be open with certain people at various points in my life. But since the door was always firmly closed, regardless of how hard I tried, I was never able to break through to certain people.
And that isn’t my fault, or yours if you are trying to be open about your IBD or ostomy or anything else in your life. Some people just cannot (for whatever reason) allow themselves to be vulnerable thus making it virtually impossible for you to feel comfortable sharing some of your most intimate secrets.
So, either keep those people in your life in the capacity in which they/you are comfortable or if you do not feel like you can have a real friendship/relationship with them and it makes you feel like you are banging your head against the wall, it might be time to re-evaluate the situation.