In a NY minute

My grandfather took a bad fall yesterday afternoon and suffers from severe internal bleeding and brain damage. He is lying in the ICU now being monitored but the likelihood that he is going to make it is incredibly slim and if he does he will have a very poor quality of life.

I was never able to talk to my grandfather about being sick even though we both suffered from chronic illnesses. Parkinson’s disease and ulcerative colitis, although very different, also have many similar after tastes. As the disease progressed and started truly impacting his day to day functioning and it also became more apparent to me that he and my grandmother were struggling, I think I subconsciously couldn’t handle it and backed away.

I think I only researched Parkinson’s disease a few times but there are so many similarities that were so hard to talk about because Papa is a very private person (as I used to be). People who suffer from Parkinson’s disease struggle with the loss of normalcy, feeling like a burden, becoming dependent on others, have difficulty maintaining basic bodily functions, and then consequently the emotional component which are all very similar to the emotions that I have felt as a long time ulcerative colitis sufferer.

As I sit here in tears, hoping I dreamt all of this, I wonder if I should have put my issues aside all of these years to be more present in his life and in both of my grandparent’s lives. Could I have though? I know I did distance myself for a reason. As things got worse with him it did get harder for me. When I was very sick I did not want to talk to a lot of people, him included, although I did obviously speak to him and my grandmother.

I just feel like I missed out on so much and being with him when he was well was a part of that. I just cannot believe this happened and I am still not a hundred percent convinced it actually did yet.

  • Jodi

    oh maris-sending love and strength to everybody…

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      love you Jodi thank you

  • Linnea

    You can hold his hand, kiss his brow, tell him how much he taught you and how much you love him.

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      I did just that yesterday thank you Linnea

  • val0525

    Marisa, he knows how much you love him. Sending all my loves and holding on to you tightly

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      <3 you Val

  • http://stopthinkingstartwriting.blogspot.com/ Amanda Brooke

    Love you so much Ris. Sending hugs and strength to you and your family.

    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      thank you A love you

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_jySlYOdkU Elvia

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    • http://risaroo86.wordpress.com rissy26

      Thank you so much for the kind words Elvia!!