I Want My Innocence Back

Remember the days when you had no real worries, no actual responsibilities, and the worst thing you had to go through was a night without candy? Yeah, neither do I.

I lost my innocence the moment I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at the age of 13. I didn’t know it then but I had. Everything changed. Life as I knew it was just completely different. My body as I knew it was like night and day.

Over the years I have often made the comment to my parents that I just wanted my innocence back. I longed for the days where I had no idea what hospitals stays were like, or where surgeries and ER visits weren’t regular occasions. I wish I didn’t know so much about “real life” so young…or at all. I wish I didn’t know that a person’s body is capable of so much betrayal at the age of 13 or 14 or 15, etc. I wish I didn’t know that you can do everything right and still wind up sick. I wish I didn’t know that you can be the best person you can possibly be and still end up with the worst case scenarios of things.

I just…wish I had my innocence back and have wished that so many times over the past 12 and a half years.

This past week really shook me. I wasn’t expecting my grandfather to fall and within four days be gone. It just really made me realize how precious life is, among about ten thousand other things.

I long for the days where I simply didn’t know all of the things I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, I just want my innocence back.

  • Josh Lower

    So true Marisa. I have thought countless times that I want that innocence back to. I can remember my happier younger days. There was a single stress, or care in the world. I was just happy, laughing, and smiles like a young boy should be. We were forced to grow into adult hood sooo fast. I miss those days as well….

  • Levi

    Marisa, sorry about your loss. I know exactly how you feel about your UC as well. I’m sure 2013 is going to be better for all of us!