Remember the days when you had no real worries, no actual responsibilities, and the worst thing you had to go through was a night without candy? Yeah, neither do I.

I lost my innocence the moment I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at the age of 13. I didn’t know it then but I had. Everything changed. Life as I knew it was just completely different. My body as I knew it was like night and day.

Over the years I have often made the comment to my parents that I just wanted my innocence back. I longed for the days where I had no idea what hospitals stays were like, or where surgeries and ER visits weren’t regular occasions. I wish I didn’t know so much about “real life” so young…or at all. I wish I didn’t know that a person’s body is capable of so much betrayal at the age of 13 or 14 or 15, etc. I wish I didn’t know that you can do everything right and still wind up sick. I wish I didn’t know that you can be the best person you can possibly be and still end up with the worst case scenarios of things.

I just…wish I had my innocence back and have wished that so many times over the past 12 and a half years.

This past week really shook me. I wasn’t expecting my grandfather to fall and within four days be gone. It just really made me realize how precious life is, among about ten thousand other things.

I long for the days where I simply didn’t know all of the things I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, I just want my innocence back.