As most of you know, I am participating in National Health Blog Post Month where I have committed to writing 30 posts in 30 days on the topics given by Wego Health. I do feel like because I am involved in this that some of my most pressing issues are being kept buried. When I usually sit down to write, I have something that is on my mind that I so desperately need to expunge from deep within me. However, because we are given prompts for our daily posts, it has been difficult for me to find a balance between taking part in this amazing experience with fellow health activists and using my blog for the purposes I intended. I have written a couple posts and kept them private but it doesn’t feel the same. When I started this blog, I did it with the intent to be more open with what has been going on with me both physically and emotionally. So, right now, I wanted to talk about something that my dad has said to me quite a bit over the years but most recently during Hurricane Sandy.
We got hit hard here in NY from the hurricane earlier in the week. We aren’t expected to get power back for another week because so many gigantic trees in my neighborhood fell onto power lines. As I was sitting in my living room Monday night, my dad told me to take a look outside at this tree that was blowing back and forth from Sandy’s intense winds. He has always told me over the years how important it is to be flexible. I have a very all or nothing personality and find enormous comfort in routine. I need to find control where I can get it because so many things over the past 12 years have been unknown and unpredictable. However, because I don’t do moderation very well, when something isn’t exactly perfect in my routine, it flips me out.
For instance, the loss of power from Hurricane Sandy sent me into a chaotic state. One reason was because I desperately need the distractions so my mind doesn’t wander as much but another reason was because my routine was thrown off. I am used to writing every single day, watching something funny before bed, and listening to my calming music as I am trying to drift off to sleep. I also wrote in a previous post about how I started my “control journal” and my plan was to start doing yoga and really commit to working on my self esteem. None of that was able to happen because of the power loss. It threw me way more than it should. I would think that not having power wouldn’t resonate internally as something that is such a huge deal since I have obviously been through far worse but that wasn’t the case.
My reaction to the power loss regardless of the reasons behind it has really stuck with me since it is four days later and I am still thinking about it. I am at my family’s house in upstate, NY right now since they didn’t get hit as badly as we did in Westchester County. I have power and just enough internet service at the local library. My dad’s words about the importance of being flexible keep coming back to me. I also saw my friend’s facebook status a couple days ago that really put things in perspective for me. It made me realize how lucky I am that I only lost power. My house and cars were fine and I am lucky enough to have another house to go to that has electricity and was also not damaged by the storm. I am honestly upset with myself for getting so distraught over the power loss. I know it is mostly because I need distractions so badly since I am not yet at peace with myself internally but still. I just really don’t understand why I reacted the way I did but it really helps to open up about how miserable I have been.
ahh deep breathes…