I have an extremely all or nothing personality. My mind cannot seem to handle moderation in the least bit at all. When I think back over the past 12 years, I realize how much I have been through. But mostly, I am accepting just how much all of this has changed me. I have a very different sense of certain things about life than I would like. I absolutely despise the fact that I cannot flex out about certain things. I hate it and I wish so badly that I could change that part about me. I know rationally that it is not happening for a long time. I know that because I have had over 12 years to get to know myself and to understand myself. I have been through so much and through that I do know who I am deep down and I know I am not changing this core part of me right now. I know with absolute certainty I am incapable of it at this moment.
It still doesn’t change the fact that I resent it. (As I am writing I am actually starting to cry) It makes me angry that I am like this because I know there wouldn’t be a chance I would have been had I not suffered to the extent in which I did. I KNOW that this is not the person I would have been…the person I should have been…the person I wish I was. It makes me so angry because this rigid side of me has caused me so much mental anguish over the years for so many reasons in a wide variety of aspects of my life. I searched to control the things I could because the ulcerative colitis completely striped every ounce of control and power over my life that I had. And when you lose complete control over your life at 13 and are forced to find control in other areas of your life, it is bound to cause a lot of friggen stress and anxiety! AHHHHH! Sometimes I seriously just want to stand on a rooftop and scream about how awful IBD is.
Okay, time for me to wrap it up because you are probably tired of hearing me “speak” and I need to try to pull myself together here. The bottom line is that I believe we can all agree that going through life with an all or nothing mentality where you are either succeeding or failing, feasting or starving, progressing or retreating can and often will create an enormous amount of anxiety for the person living that life. It is a much healthier attitude to be flexible and easy going as I wrote in this post here http://keepingthingsinsideisbadformyhealth.wordpress.com/2012/11/02/the-importance-of-being-flexibleseparate-from-nhbpm/. As I am sure you picked up on, it angers me that ulcerative colitis took so much from me and changed me in ways I never wanted. There are many things I don’t like about myself that can very easily be traced back to me getting sick. I am not trying to blame all of my issues on UC but I am merely saying that the negative things about myself that I feel powerless to change do stem from my diagnoses of ulcerative colitis. Writing this blog and exploring some of the deep seeded reasons behind certain actions I take do make me feel more empowered even though it is obviously very upsetting to know just how much of an impact IBD had on me.