I had a conversation with someone yesterday and it made me think about how important stability is for people in life. Stability can and does mean many things but the type I am referring is mostly about security. We all need to have something or someone in our lives that is a constant force or presence. We need to have someone or something that we know we can always lean on for support. The absence of a stable home life can have disastrous and lasting effects on a person. I have talked about needing to feel safe a good amount on this blog but wanted to expand on how important it is to have someone who you can rely on, or a place to go that is a known entity for you.
As I have mentioned a lot, I have had to deal with so much unpredictability in my life. However, having my parents as a constant, stable presence was one of the only things that kept me going. It is the reason I am still alive today to be perfectly honest. My mom and dad were the only ones in my life who never changed, and who never wavered in their support and love for me. Of course, the situations and circumstances we were all faced with changed us and left us challenged on many levels but the one thing that never changed was how devoted we all were to each other.
My parents became very strong together, and took turns taking care of each other so that I knew I had at least one parent who could be strong for me. Being the patient and the one who needed to be taken care of left me desperate to hold on and cling to something. And that something was my parents. I haven’t stopped relying on them and needing them. It is different than it was four months ago, and it obviously has changed many, many times over the years but I am starting to really understand why I need them so much. It is not just because I can’t really be on my own with a full time job supporting myself right now; But emotionally, I need them because I feel like they are the only stable force in my life right now. I rely on them and feel comforted when I am around them because I am trying to move forward and get back into life more. Knowing that they are there for me always and especially when I have those days where I just have so much inside me that I need to be held so I could cry it out, leaves me feeling stronger. And when I feel stronger, I am more empowered and more ready to keep pushing myself so that I eventually will get to have the life I always wanted.
Having really just come to that conclusion about ten minutes before I sat down to write this, I have not had a long time to think it through. It just really feels good for me to understand myself. Writing this blog has forced me to dig deeper into my psyche and my heart. It has allowed me to expunge some of the things that I have always felt were eating me up inside. I always knew my parents represented stability to me, but I never really understood why I am leaning on them so much now (and I do feel badly about that often). However, since I am only really about a month into opening up and trying to get my feet back on the ground, I see why I am holding onto the two people who have been there by my side through it all.
“Things are never as they seem. A person. A Mark. A statement. They are always deeper than we perceive, like walking in the ocean and suddenly dipping under the surface because the bottom has disappeared beneath your feet. The water appears shallow until you are suddenly flailing around beneath the surface, desperately searching for stable ground once again.” -Kelseyleigh Reber