I went out to dinner with my grandparents on Saturday night. It was the first time I was in an actual restaurant and ate since my brother came home at the end of last November. I remember vividly coming home that night after I decided to “take a risk” and actually eat out normally. I was on the floor less than two minutes after getting home due to extreme pain and needing to go through five appliances in a half an hour since my skin was so bad. That awful end of the night was what eventually forced me to schedule an appointment with my surgeon and him diagnosing me with pyoderma gangrenosum. I’m not going to go any deeper into this now since I have talked about it before and don’t want to be repetitive. But, what it led me to think about was how much has happened in just this past year.
Prior to going out to dinner, I was texting with one of my friends and we were saying we can’t believe we only met a year ago and how it feels like so much longer. And then, on my way home, I started thinking about the last time I was actually out in a restaurant. Last year at this time, I had checked myself into a psychiatric hospital and here I am today writing about it like it was something that happened decades ago. It is truly unreal how quickly life moves and how things can change in very unexpected ways.
I mentioned in a previous post how I had chronic daily migraines. They seemed to be getting a little better and now, suddenly out of nowhere, they are back with a vengeance. It is difficult for me to even focus on writing now but I came upstairs after lying on the couch with a heating pad for a couple of hours and played the song “Never Gunna Be Alone” by Nickelback for some reason (haven’t listened or thought about that song in years) and just burst out crying. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and just so combustible that I think it has been one of the reasons why my head has been so bad lately. I figured I would just start typing as I cried and see where it led me. I am no longer crying and feel like a lot of it has been expunged.
I am really seeing how wonderful all this writing has been for me. I always kept a journal but it feels really different blogging, as if my body/mind is saying “OK you thought it, felt it, told the world, and now you can begin to let it go.” I never realized how much I held in until I started writing like this. I am so happy I have this new outlet and recommend it to anyone who feels lost and isn’t sure what to do with themselves or how to go about beginning the healing process. Just start typing/writing and see where it leads you. You might find the very thing you were looking for and needed all along.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck