Yesterday was Yum Kippur… one of the holiest days in the Jewish religion. Although I am not a believer like I have mentioned in previous posts, I really did my best to look at this day as a time to clear my head and I guess just get some things in order. I want to feel more focused and on track. I am a goal oriented person and really need to have that routine and a plan in place. It helps ease a lot of my anxiety. “Control the things you can control and deal with the rest” is what my dad has consistently said to me over the years.
I spent this day really trying to figure out who I am and where I am in life. I set some goals for myself and have tried to organize my life a little better. I know that sentence was pretty broad but in my world, where I feel like everything is out of place, sometimes that general statement is all my brain will really allow me to offer.
I have made great strides recently and know I am on a good path. Even though I don’t celebrate Yum Kippur in the traditional sense, I really tried to make it a special day in my head. I wanted it to represent something unique and special in my life. A turning point, perhaps. And it was also a really great time to look at how far I have come. I spend so much time thinking about where I wish I was and would have been had I not gotten sick that I often forget how much I have accomplished.
This year was the first year that I have even acknowledged the holiday. It was the first time that I was thinking and talking about it days before. That is a really big deal for me. I believed in God and the religion up until about four years after I was diagnosed when nothing ever went my way. My family and I had a huge tank full of belief and optimism. But, the amount of strength and belief that is in that tank can only take us so far. It had been completely emptied after my new diagnosis last November. I really started believing and trying to study Buddhism and do whatever I could to get in a spiritual, peaceful mindset after my last surgery at the end of last July, so I was just completely thrown after my unfortunate and unexpected diagnosis at the end of November 2011. And up until very recently, I have had no faith and no belief that everything would end up OK. But now, after celebrating Yum Kippur in my own way, I can happily say that I am now open to believing again.