I went to the library with my mom this afternoon to pick out a movie for us to watch. Lately I have been only watching TV shows or movies that I have seen and know aren’t upsetting or triggering in any way. I think that is why I enjoy watching sports…there is nothing emotional about it for me because it has absolutely nothing to do with me or my life. I used to be a huge greys anatomy and private practice fan. Now, I can’t even turn it on and cringe whenever I see a coming attraction for it. I can think about the shows, which I often do because there are so many good quotes embedded in the episodes, and I also am interested in the characters personal relationships. As long as there is no visual representation of these medical shows present such as character pictures or scenery, I am perfectly fine.
I know in the scheme of things, these things seem irrelevant but they do matter in a larger sense. I am terrified of the unknown. Truly petrified. I have thought and expected one thing only to be completely thrown and knocked down more times than I can even remember. It has made me incapable of enjoying anything that I don’t know the ending to. It is very scary for me. I don’t like surprises. Or, surprises in life I should say because the surprises that have been thrown my away were all so traumatic and heart breaking. The challenges that I have had to face have all been so detrimental to my overall well being.
I hope that at some point I will be able to handle the unknown and take a risk at menial things like television or movies. I do know I will get there. I just have to be patient which up until I started writing, was really difficult for me. It is still hard on a lot of levels but I think all of this writing I am doing is kind of allowing me to get it all out and talk about all the different aspects of my life that being sick has affected. In doing this, I am realizing just how much there is to tell, just how much there is that needs to be expunged, and just how much my head and heart have been through. It has shown me how I need to stop being so hard on myself and realize that I didn’t get the way I am overnight, and therefore, I won’t be completely fine overnight. Baby steps. The experiences I have shared, along with countless others, are real. And they have happened to me. And have played an enormous role in the person I am today. I am better off in some ways because this happened (more sensitive, empathetic, and have a greater understanding about the hardships of life), but I am not even close to being at the point where I can say that “I am glad this happened to me because it made me a stronger person.” When I see that written somewhere or hear someone say that, the first thing that pops into my head is how fine and strong I would have been had all of this not happened to me. I know I can’t change the past and I know my experiences will stay with me always. I just wanted to share where I am today… only being able to watch movies and television shows where the end is predictable and say out loud that I am pretty incapable of taking any risks right now…so I can hopefully look back and see just how far I have come. I may not feel it now but I am one strong girl. I know that deep, deep down because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t still be standing. If I wasn’t strong, I wouldn’t be able to handle the continuous, seemingly never ending roller coaster. But, I am. So just as I have gotten through all that I have shared with you (and much more), I will get to the point where I can be just as comfortable watching or seeing something brand new, as I am now in my television/movie bubble.